Childhood Memories

When I was younger, I had more limbs. And Curly Wurlies were bigger. But mainly I had ten legs.

I remember Sparkle ice lollies too. Licking one each in all eight of my hands. You might think that would be hard work, but I had twelve tongues.

Yeah, I am essentially just taking numerical liberties with my outer extremities. There's no punchline. My tortured childhood is not a laughing matter. The playground taunts of "Burn The Spider Child" still ring in all six of my ears.

Later on you'll wonder why they called me Spider Child when I had ten legs. But infant bullies rarely deconstruct their own logic. They prefer to spend their time tying twenty pairs of shoelaces together.

Sexual Tensions

It's hard when you're in love.

It's harder when you're in love with someone who says they don't love you.

It's hardest when you're in love with someone who says they don't love you, even though they quite clearly do.

Churchill had much the same problem with Hitler. Winston interpreted the invasion of Poland as a come on, but Adolf said he was fooling himself, and insisted vociferously that the march to Moscow was definitely NOT a sexual advance. But still the cigar begobbed premier persevered. It came to a head one drunken night when Hitler dropped his defenses and let Churchill storm his beaches. The sexual landscape of Europe has never been the same since.